I don’t usually write follow up posts but after a recent conversation , I’m making an exception and writing part II to What’s in a Name. If you haven’t read it, it’s where I discuss the similarities between my own Grandma Jones (my dad’s mother) and my mother as a Grandma Jones to her only grandchild. I couldn’t decide if “What’s in a Name Part II” or “Get a Load of this Shit” was a better title but decided to go with a part II since it’s a continuation on the same topic.
For those interested in the TL; DR version:
It’s been over three years since my mother has seen her only grandchild.
I don’t see that changing any time soon.
I have tried to help plan and even offered to pay for her travel and she still has reasons to not visit.
I’m done inviting her and trying to make something happen.
If it’s important to her she’ll do something about it.
It’s clear that it’s not important to her.
It’s clear that neither Joni nor I are important to her.
Her sisters and nieces and their kids (what I call her Real Family) come first and only.
No one else matters.
After over 2 years we are starting to get back to “normal” and only now starting to dip our toes back into the world. We have taken every precaution. To some it seemed prudent and responsible and to some it seemed extreme. However you look at it we stayed safe and healthy with an immunocompromised person (me) and and up until recently unvaccinated toddler.
In the two years we’ve been in Michigan I’ve talked to my mother a few different times about coming to see us and each time there was a reason involving her Real Family why she couldn’t. One reason was she had to do the at-home remote learning for my cousin’s youngest because apparently she is the only functional and literate adult of the bunch. Another time she had to drive the other grown ups around because also apparently no one else can drive.
We have travel plans for later this summer and early fall so I called her and asked if she wanted to come see us and her only grandchild in October. After the usual excuses I offered to pay for her travel and was still met with “No”. The only reason for her continued refusal to visit us is that she just doesn’t want to or care which is a really shitty feeling. There could be some reason that she is not being honest with me about, which is very possible considering our recent history.
It’s been three years since she has seen her only grandchild and at this rate it may be kindergarten graduation or later before she does and doesn’t seem to care. When I ask her point blank if she cares or even wants to see me or her only grandchild she tearfully says she does but her actions and inaction say otherwise.
Previously when I spoke with my mother about visiting us I told her she would need to quarantine before coming because she is not vaccinated nor is anyone in her immediate circle. When I explained what quarantining to visit would entail she admitted she wouldn’t be able to because of her obligations to watch other people’s kids and run errands for others.
Now that our Tiny Human will be fully vaccinated by the time of the proposed visit I explicitly said she wouldn’t need to quarantine before coming. I didn’t even bring up her getting vaccinated. I know she won’t because of what some people told her or she heard on cable news about vaccines. She claims she spoke to her doctor but I don’t believe her. Her story on various events has changed and evolved over the last few months regarding things that happened or didn’t happen.
Every time I talk to my mother I ask if anyone there is or was sick and if everyone is ok. Every time I get the same answer, “yes, everyone is fine” which I now know is bullshit. How do I know this? Let me tell you.
In our last conversation my mother told me that she has covid and she gave it to Middle Sister because they live together in a small house behind Youngest Sister’s house. I asked if anyone else had it and only then did she tell me that my cousin, her husband, and their two kids had it in January and she’s sure she told me.
She didn’t because I would have remembered that because that was my greatest fear that one of my cousin’s kids would give it to my mother. She claims she got it at the dentist but again considering the evolution of stories and events the last few months I don’t believe her. I don’t know where she got it but I don’t believe it was the dentist. Even in Chucklefuck, Indiana I would imagine a dentist office would have some sort of safety protocols but maybe not. She may forget what version of events she told me and tell me the truth someday. Maybe.
Referring back to the TL; DR section at the beginning of this post, the ball is in her court and if the last three years are any indication we won’t be seeing my mother any time soon and while I can’t speak for the Tiny Human I am past the point of caring. It makes me sad and hurt but it’s also par for the course for our relationship the last several years.
It’s my mother’s loss because my Tiny Human is amazing and deserves better from her Grandma Jones.