Liberty48

AUTHOR’S NOTE: this is a weird thing that happened that I remember some of what happened and it’s weird enough that I wanted to share. I started toying with a basic outline/synopsis and may try to turn this into a short story. Probably something dark and twisted where something awful happens to someone. Or maybe it’ll be a sunshine and rainbows story. But knowing me, it’ll probably go dark.

One day in spring of 1998 I got a card in the mail from someone I never met. I don’t remember their name because it’s not and never was important to me but for some reason I remember the email address she included in her note. Liberty48 at something dot com.

Why do I remember that detail from over 20 year ago but not why I went into the kitchen? I have no idea. 

The contents of the card were baffling and was written like something from a 12-step program. It was awkward and spoke oddly of forgiveness. She claimed to know Gary and went on about how much he loved and missed me. We hadn’t spoken in almost 10 years by this point so unless he was trying to communicate telepathically there were no tangible signs to validate anything she was saying. By the end of the note I figured out that she must be his sponsor in some recovery program or they met at some odd church thing (see Malcolm in the Middle for another third-party communication attempt) or they were some level of friends or lovers. 

I dismissed the note and didn’t think any more about it until I was bored at work one day and thought what the hell, I’ll email her and see what happens. Over the next month we emailed back and forth in what can be best described as reverse catfishing in that my stories were fantastical and wild but not at all true. I don’t remember specifics anymore but I do remember the stories about my career (such as it was at the time) and personal life were completely made up along with what my future plans and goals were. It was a good writing exercise and maybe that approach would help me get some or any of my writing projects moving forward. 

In every message I included a plea to not share any of it with Gary and that it was just between us. This ensured that she would tell him everything out of some noble intent. I was right.

This went on until one evening the phone rang. My mother picked up the phone. It was Gary. The landline number had been the same from 1978 to approximately 2003 so it was not odd that he would still have it somewhere. I saw his call as validation that my plan worked. 

I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. I walked out the door. Got in my car. And drove away. Probably to Barnes & Noble or Borders or someplace like that. 

When I got home my mother was asleep so I didn’t get any details about the call until the next day. It was as expected. He thought everything I had said in my emails was true and I don’t remember what else she told me except that he left his number and really wanted to talk to me. I still had no desire. At this point, and especially today, it would be like calling a random stranger and trying to establish a meaningful relationship. It would be hella awkward. 

The next day at work I sent one last email to whoever Liberty48 is and expressed my disappointment at her betrayal of my trust and informed her that nothing I had written her was true. I think she responded to that message but I deleted it and thus ended my brief career as an amateur catfishing troll .

It’s been over 30 years since I’ve seen Gary and over 20 since I’ve talked to him. Honestly don’t know if he’s still alive or not. Wouldn’t matter either way. At least Gary left before I was old enough to remember him being around at all. It’s hard to make yourself feel something for someone who was never there and you have no relationship with.

Boring Update

I realize it’s been almost two months since I’ve shared anything here and I’m sure it’s been lonely without my tales of childhood traumas. For those I have left unentertained, I apologize. With both of us working full time and wrangling a constantly growing Tiny Human free time to write or read or shower is at a premium and I don’t always have the energy or mental capacity to put fingers to keys and make the magic happen. 

I do have a couple of pieces in the hopper that should be interesting and hope to have those done and posted in the next couple weeks. 

Will it be everyone’s favorite thing? Probably not. 

Will it be scandalous? Also no. 

There will be more weird stories from my childhood coming soon enough. 

Out of sight. Out of mind.

Even though the current state of my relationship with my mother is not the best it’s ever been, I am not a monster so I texted my mother first thing to say Happy Mother’s Day, sent flowers, and let her know a gift card was coming via email. Again, because I’m not a monster.

Not wanting to just text, I called her around noon and by the conversations happening and hearing her Real Family try to get her attention while she was on the phone I clearly interrupted whatever she was in the middle of. 

No big deal. I’m used to it.

Then, unprompted, just after we had finished dinner she called her daughter-in-law to wish her happy Mother’s Day which I thought was a lovely gesture. 

It was nice until it wasn’t.

Her daughter-in-law put the call on FaceTime so her only grandchild could see her and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. She did and my mother responded “oh, thank you [REDACTED]” and then her face went pale. 

She called her only grandchild the name of my cousin’s kid.

What the actual fuck. I know it’s been almost three years since she has seen her only grandchild in person but more than just a slip of the tongue, to me, it’s very telling of the level of actual priority that her only grandchild has in her life. 

She was looking at her on FaceTime. Looking at her. Fortunately, her only grandchild did not pick up on what had juts happened and I give myself a pat on the back for not yelling out “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! YOU HAVE ONE GRANDCHILD!!! IS ONE NAME TOO MUCH TO REMEMBER?!?!”

I tried to call my mother about a half hour later and she let the call go to voicemail. I suspect she knew the reason for my call and didn’t want to hear it when she probably still had Real Family duties to attend to. 

I thought about this whole situation and wondered if I had lived my life like my birth family expected and gotten a menial job, never moved out, never left home or gone to college, and had moved with them to deep red Chucklefuck, Indiana if my relationship with my mother would be different. And then I remember that Middle Sister would still be around demanding her attention. 

So no. Nothing would be better. 

I am where I’m meant to be and with the people I’m meant to be with. 

The point that keeps coming around is that it is possible to outgrow even birth family relationships and that’s where I am with this. It’s a little surprising and not the most pleasant feeling but it is what it is. 

My nuclear family and our happiness and wellbeing come first and not everyone I thought would be part of it will be. 

And that’s ok. 

Auntagonist

For a long as I can remember I have never had a good or normal relationship with my mother’s Middle Sister.

Even though I didn’t have the language for it and couldn’t exactly put my tiny finger on it at the time there was a competition for attention between me and Middle Sister for my mother’s attention. Nothing close to a normal aunt/nephew relationship. And since my mother has always been the same she never said or did anything in my defense or on my behalf. 

In recent years, Middle Sister has essentially become desocialized more often acting feral than behaving within societal norms. Not in the fun way like an eccentric artist, musician, or writer, but more like the type of person that you screen their calls and pretend to look busy if you see them approaching. 

In the last 20 years I have only been able to spend time with my mother without Middle Sister being involved a handful of times and I had to pay out of pocket for her travel to come visit me. Since her only grandchild has been born it has been like pulling teeth to get my mother to spend time with her and I have given up asking. I suspect Middle Sister is behind this too with her strange need for attention from my mother. I’m not sure how but I have a legitimate suspicion considering history. Recently, I asked my mother, in no uncertain terms, why she is so beholden to Middle Sister. Did something happen? Is there a blood oath? Because the sibling dynamic between them is so far from normal you can’t even see normal from there. 

At some point, probably after my maternal grandfather died, Middle Sister took the mantle of being the family bully. She will scream and yell until she gets her way even if it makes no sense or is problematic for anyone else. I have a whole other post coming up about how I spent my last week in Chicago in 2016 as a direct result of her behavior and lack of control. There are many, many, many instances that I remember when she was awful to me and her behavior went unchallenged regardless of how it affected me. 

One incident that stands out as part of the modern era bullshit she has pulled on me happened in 2008 and it was hella petty and ridiculous for a grown woman to act the way she did. 

I did one year of a Ph.D. program in English at a mid-major university and after one year I knew that the program and professional academic life was not for me. The plan was I was going to spend a week in Chicago before moving on to the next adventure. A friend had asked me to come work with his church on the east coast and it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was not a good idea. 

I was at the Tulsa airport and was short of funds for the overweight bag fee. I called my mother and asked her to deposit $100 into my account which was a Chicago based bank with no nearby branches. She agreed and after paying the highway robbery baggage fee I was headed to the gate ready to put the last year behind me. 

My flight landed mid-afternoon. I asked my mother if we could go to the ATM the next day since it had already been a long day, I was tired, and emotionally exhausted. All I wanted to do was take a shower, have a snack, and watch LOST. I thought everything was fine and we’d run the errand the next day and didn’t think any more of it. 

After literally laying on the couch in front of the TV all night Middle Sister decides 20 minutes before it was time for the ONE THING I said I wanted to do that day and throw a holy fucking fit about how I needed to go to the ATM immediately and she never agreed to the next day and again my mother sat there with her head in her hands and said nothing. The fact that it was almost 9pm and no banks were open so nothing could be done with the cash until the next day is a great example of how she throws a fit and yells about things that truly don’t matter just to inconvenience and fuck with me. 

Missing a TV show seems minor, and it is, the issue was and always has been Middle Sister going out of her way to be awful to me which has no just been inconveniences but has also cost me more money than I would have spent otherwise. 

There are more examples and stories of bullshit and shenanigans to be a miniseries or at least a really fucked up memoir and there will probably be an Auntagonist Part 2 at some point because why not. One weird thing is that as awful as she was to me, she has not been to my cousins even going to far as to buy them cartons of cigarettes when they were underage so they wouldn’t get in trouble again. Gotta love those pastor’s kids, right? 

There has never been and never will be anything resembling a normal aunt/nephew or familial relationship between me and Middle Sister and it doesn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is the undeniable hold over and control of my mother’s behavior and there’s part of me that wonders if the relationship between my mother and Middle Sister is responsible for my mother’s lack of relationship with her only grandchild. Considering everything that Middle Sister has done to sabotage and generally fuck with me during my life nothing would surprise me. She is truly that miserable and awful.