What's in a Name Part 2

I don’t usually write follow up posts but after a recent conversation , I’m making an exception and writing part II to What’s in a Name. If you haven’t read it, it’s where I discuss the similarities between my own Grandma Jones (my dad’s mother) and my mother as a Grandma Jones to her only grandchild. I couldn’t decide if “What’s in a Name Part II” or “Get a Load of this Shit” was a better title but decided to go with a part II since it’s a continuation on the same topic. 

For those interested in the TL; DR version:

It’s been over three years since my mother has seen her only grandchild. 

I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I have tried to help plan and even offered to pay for her travel and she still has reasons to not visit. 

I’m done inviting her and trying to make something happen. 

If it’s important to her she’ll do something about it. 

It’s clear that it’s not important to her. 

It’s clear that neither Joni nor I are important to her. 

Her sisters and nieces and their kids (what I call her Real Family) come first and only. 

No one else matters.

After over 2 years we are starting to get back to “normal” and only now starting to dip our toes back into the world. We have taken every precaution. To some it seemed prudent and responsible and to some it seemed extreme. However you look at it we stayed safe and healthy with an immunocompromised person (me) and and up until recently unvaccinated toddler. 

In the two years we’ve been in Michigan I’ve talked to my mother a few different times about coming to see us and each time there was a reason involving her Real Family why she couldn’t. One reason was she had to do the at-home remote learning for my cousin’s youngest because apparently she is the only functional and literate adult of the bunch. Another time she had to drive the other grown ups around because also apparently no one else can drive. 

We have travel plans for later this summer and early fall so I called her and asked if she wanted to come see us and her only grandchild in October. After the usual excuses I offered to pay for her travel and was still met with “No”. The only reason for her continued refusal to visit us is that she just doesn’t want to or care which is a really shitty feeling. There could be some reason that she is not being honest with me about, which is very possible considering our recent history. 

It’s been three years since she has seen her only grandchild and at this rate it may be kindergarten graduation or later before she does and doesn’t seem to care. When I ask her point blank if she cares or even wants to see me or her only grandchild she tearfully says she does but her actions and inaction say otherwise. 

Previously when I spoke with my mother about visiting us I told her she would need to quarantine before coming because she is not vaccinated nor is anyone in her immediate circle. When I explained what quarantining to visit would entail she admitted she wouldn’t be able to because of her obligations to watch other people’s kids and run errands for others. 

Now that our Tiny Human will be fully vaccinated by the time of the proposed visit I explicitly said she wouldn’t need to quarantine before coming.  I didn’t even bring up her getting vaccinated. I know she won’t because of what some people told her or she heard on cable news about vaccines. She claims she spoke to her doctor but I don’t believe her. Her story on various events has changed and evolved over the last few months regarding things that happened or didn’t happen. 

Every time I talk to my mother I ask if anyone there is or was sick and if everyone is ok. Every time I get the same answer, “yes, everyone is fine” which I now know is bullshit. How do I know this? Let me tell you.

In our last conversation my mother told me that she has covid and she gave it to Middle Sister because they live together in a small house behind Youngest Sister’s house. I asked if anyone else had it and only then did she tell me that my cousin, her husband, and their two kids had it in January and she’s sure she told me. 

She didn’t because I would have remembered that because that was my greatest fear that one of my cousin’s kids would give it to my mother. She claims she got it at the dentist but again considering the evolution of stories and events the last few months I don’t believe her. I don’t know where she got it but I don’t believe it was the dentist. Even in Chucklefuck, Indiana I would imagine a dentist office would have some sort of safety protocols but maybe not. She may forget what version of events she told me and tell me the truth someday. Maybe.

Referring back to the TL; DR section at the beginning of this post, the ball is in her court and if the last three years are any indication we won’t be seeing my mother any time soon and while I can’t speak for the Tiny Human I am past the point of caring. It makes me sad and hurt but it’s also par for the course for our relationship the last several years. 

It’s my mother’s loss because my Tiny Human is amazing and deserves better from her Grandma Jones.

Liberty48

AUTHOR’S NOTE: this is a weird thing that happened that I remember some of what happened and it’s weird enough that I wanted to share. I started toying with a basic outline/synopsis and may try to turn this into a short story. Probably something dark and twisted where something awful happens to someone. Or maybe it’ll be a sunshine and rainbows story. But knowing me, it’ll probably go dark.

One day in spring of 1998 I got a card in the mail from someone I never met. I don’t remember their name because it’s not and never was important to me but for some reason I remember the email address she included in her note. Liberty48 at something dot com.

Why do I remember that detail from over 20 year ago but not why I went into the kitchen? I have no idea. 

The contents of the card were baffling and was written like something from a 12-step program. It was awkward and spoke oddly of forgiveness. She claimed to know Gary and went on about how much he loved and missed me. We hadn’t spoken in almost 10 years by this point so unless he was trying to communicate telepathically there were no tangible signs to validate anything she was saying. By the end of the note I figured out that she must be his sponsor in some recovery program or they met at some odd church thing (see Malcolm in the Middle for another third-party communication attempt) or they were some level of friends or lovers. 

I dismissed the note and didn’t think any more about it until I was bored at work one day and thought what the hell, I’ll email her and see what happens. Over the next month we emailed back and forth in what can be best described as reverse catfishing in that my stories were fantastical and wild but not at all true. I don’t remember specifics anymore but I do remember the stories about my career (such as it was at the time) and personal life were completely made up along with what my future plans and goals were. It was a good writing exercise and maybe that approach would help me get some or any of my writing projects moving forward. 

In every message I included a plea to not share any of it with Gary and that it was just between us. This ensured that she would tell him everything out of some noble intent. I was right.

This went on until one evening the phone rang. My mother picked up the phone. It was Gary. The landline number had been the same from 1978 to approximately 2003 so it was not odd that he would still have it somewhere. I saw his call as validation that my plan worked. 

I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. I walked out the door. Got in my car. And drove away. Probably to Barnes & Noble or Borders or someplace like that. 

When I got home my mother was asleep so I didn’t get any details about the call until the next day. It was as expected. He thought everything I had said in my emails was true and I don’t remember what else she told me except that he left his number and really wanted to talk to me. I still had no desire. At this point, and especially today, it would be like calling a random stranger and trying to establish a meaningful relationship. It would be hella awkward. 

The next day at work I sent one last email to whoever Liberty48 is and expressed my disappointment at her betrayal of my trust and informed her that nothing I had written her was true. I think she responded to that message but I deleted it and thus ended my brief career as an amateur catfishing troll .

It’s been over 30 years since I’ve seen Gary and over 20 since I’ve talked to him. Honestly don’t know if he’s still alive or not. Wouldn’t matter either way. At least Gary left before I was old enough to remember him being around at all. It’s hard to make yourself feel something for someone who was never there and you have no relationship with.

Boring Update

I realize it’s been almost two months since I’ve shared anything here and I’m sure it’s been lonely without my tales of childhood traumas. For those I have left unentertained, I apologize. With both of us working full time and wrangling a constantly growing Tiny Human free time to write or read or shower is at a premium and I don’t always have the energy or mental capacity to put fingers to keys and make the magic happen. 

I do have a couple of pieces in the hopper that should be interesting and hope to have those done and posted in the next couple weeks. 

Will it be everyone’s favorite thing? Probably not. 

Will it be scandalous? Also no. 

There will be more weird stories from my childhood coming soon enough. 

Auntagonist

For a long as I can remember I have never had a good or normal relationship with my mother’s Middle Sister.

Even though I didn’t have the language for it and couldn’t exactly put my tiny finger on it at the time there was a competition for attention between me and Middle Sister for my mother’s attention. Nothing close to a normal aunt/nephew relationship. And since my mother has always been the same she never said or did anything in my defense or on my behalf. 

In recent years, Middle Sister has essentially become desocialized more often acting feral than behaving within societal norms. Not in the fun way like an eccentric artist, musician, or writer, but more like the type of person that you screen their calls and pretend to look busy if you see them approaching. 

In the last 20 years I have only been able to spend time with my mother without Middle Sister being involved a handful of times and I had to pay out of pocket for her travel to come visit me. Since her only grandchild has been born it has been like pulling teeth to get my mother to spend time with her and I have given up asking. I suspect Middle Sister is behind this too with her strange need for attention from my mother. I’m not sure how but I have a legitimate suspicion considering history. Recently, I asked my mother, in no uncertain terms, why she is so beholden to Middle Sister. Did something happen? Is there a blood oath? Because the sibling dynamic between them is so far from normal you can’t even see normal from there. 

At some point, probably after my maternal grandfather died, Middle Sister took the mantle of being the family bully. She will scream and yell until she gets her way even if it makes no sense or is problematic for anyone else. I have a whole other post coming up about how I spent my last week in Chicago in 2016 as a direct result of her behavior and lack of control. There are many, many, many instances that I remember when she was awful to me and her behavior went unchallenged regardless of how it affected me. 

One incident that stands out as part of the modern era bullshit she has pulled on me happened in 2008 and it was hella petty and ridiculous for a grown woman to act the way she did. 

I did one year of a Ph.D. program in English at a mid-major university and after one year I knew that the program and professional academic life was not for me. The plan was I was going to spend a week in Chicago before moving on to the next adventure. A friend had asked me to come work with his church on the east coast and it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was not a good idea. 

I was at the Tulsa airport and was short of funds for the overweight bag fee. I called my mother and asked her to deposit $100 into my account which was a Chicago based bank with no nearby branches. She agreed and after paying the highway robbery baggage fee I was headed to the gate ready to put the last year behind me. 

My flight landed mid-afternoon. I asked my mother if we could go to the ATM the next day since it had already been a long day, I was tired, and emotionally exhausted. All I wanted to do was take a shower, have a snack, and watch LOST. I thought everything was fine and we’d run the errand the next day and didn’t think any more of it. 

After literally laying on the couch in front of the TV all night Middle Sister decides 20 minutes before it was time for the ONE THING I said I wanted to do that day and throw a holy fucking fit about how I needed to go to the ATM immediately and she never agreed to the next day and again my mother sat there with her head in her hands and said nothing. The fact that it was almost 9pm and no banks were open so nothing could be done with the cash until the next day is a great example of how she throws a fit and yells about things that truly don’t matter just to inconvenience and fuck with me. 

Missing a TV show seems minor, and it is, the issue was and always has been Middle Sister going out of her way to be awful to me which has no just been inconveniences but has also cost me more money than I would have spent otherwise. 

There are more examples and stories of bullshit and shenanigans to be a miniseries or at least a really fucked up memoir and there will probably be an Auntagonist Part 2 at some point because why not. One weird thing is that as awful as she was to me, she has not been to my cousins even going to far as to buy them cartons of cigarettes when they were underage so they wouldn’t get in trouble again. Gotta love those pastor’s kids, right? 

There has never been and never will be anything resembling a normal aunt/nephew or familial relationship between me and Middle Sister and it doesn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is the undeniable hold over and control of my mother’s behavior and there’s part of me that wonders if the relationship between my mother and Middle Sister is responsible for my mother’s lack of relationship with her only grandchild. Considering everything that Middle Sister has done to sabotage and generally fuck with me during my life nothing would surprise me. She is truly that miserable and awful.